Hope

My full time work is with a national organization that works with local communities to help them raise funds for programs and services for cancer patients, survivors and their families, for life-saving research to help these patients, as well as programs that help promote cancer prevention. Last night was one of my first fundraisers of the season, and I had the privilege of hearing a gentleman, Rich, share his inspiring story of beating cancer and the hope that he brings others in the community.  When diagnosed with cancer, not once, but twice, Rich made the conscious decision to put his troubles in God's hands and trust that everything was just as it should be. He decided there was no sense in worrying about what struggles were ahead of him, but rather accepting the present moment. This is a hard thing to do.  My husband often reminds me that "worrying is just wasted energy" or something like that; easy for someone who is not naturally a worrier to say.  But, indeed, he is correct.  It is especially hard when being faced with a potentially life-threatening disease, I'm sure.  But that was the exact perspective Rich took.  

A 30-year survivor of 2 separate kinds of cancer, he now uses the challenges he faced to help others through their cancer diagnosis.  As he hears of individuals in the community who have heard the all-too-famous (or infamous) words "you have cancer," he reaches out to them by visiting them in person and bringing them a "hope" stone, which is small stone with the word "hope" written on it.  He said that many times he comes across individuals who do not want to talk about the fact that they have cancer, perhaps who aren't ready to admit yet that this horrible disease has crept into their lives.  But he persists, and shares with them his story of triumph and shines a light on the fact that there is hope out there and many people to help them along the way.  He has been visiting homes with these stones for years, and 9 times out of 10 leaves the patient with the belief that there is HOPE and this little stone as a daily reminder.  Rich spent nearly the entire day at the 12-hour event, getting to know other survivors and community members and bringing happiness and joy into everyone's life that had the opportunity to visit with him.  He will be celebrating his 90th birthday in May, has been married to his wife for 69 years and is now her sole caretaker as she suffered a stroke this past year.  He also has some other lung problems from working with anhydrous for many years, but as you may have guessed, none of this has caused him to give up on living life to the fullest and spreading the message of love to others.

On my way home at nearly midnight, after working 13 1/2 hours, running on 5 hours of interrupted sleep from the night before and the fact that if my child was asleep when I got home, I may be up again in just a couple hours to care for him, I reflected on the day's events and Rich's speech and realized I could not feel bad for myself.  For this was my journey to share with my husband; our life as it has been given to us and carefully planned for us already.  I remembered something that I tell my yoga students often: "No matter what challenges you are facing today in your life and what outside struggles you are bringing to your mat, see if you can set them aside for now, and simply be fully present in the moment for the next hour."  I share this concept with them at the beginning class and say something to the same effect at the end of class as well in hopes that they can access it and the feeling they have at the end of practice when they are faced with stressful situations in their own lives.  So that we can move beyond the worries that invade our lives to remain present for those who are here to celebrate each new day with us.  Everyone is on a unique path in life and is given different opportunities to grow and gain strength at different times of their lives.  I was thinking about how much Rich and his wife have experienced in their 69 years of marriage and raising 5 children and wishing I had the chance to get to know him better, to learn from him and just listen to another generation; a generation that is often so mindful of the priorities in life and keeping things in perspective.  I do feel blessed in my job to be able to hear stories like this and be reminded that in every tough moment or time in life, HOPE EXISTS.

Welcome!

Welcome to my blessings blog!  I've decided to start this because I find writing to be very therapeutic to me and for the past 3 years or so I've kept a blessings journal in which I try to write daily at least 3 things that I am grateful for on that day; be they joys or challenges.  I started this journal because my one of my grandmas always used to say "Count your Blessings" before we ended a conversation.  When she passed away, I felt that this was a way that I could remember her and help myself become a more positive individual.  It has certainly allowed me to change my perspective on many things in life.  As I still keep this journal, I also wanted to share these blessings with others in hopes that some of my experiences can relate to someone and I hope that you will enjoy reading! 

Count your Blessings!

Cathy

12 Weeks

My handsome son turned 12 weeks old today and I have 1 more day with him before I return to work on Monday and end my maternity leave.  This past 12 weeks has certainly not been what I thought it would be.  When my husband and I welcomed our little monkey into this world, we never could have imagined how much life would change and how difficult things would become.  I don’t know why we didn’t anticipate a challenging first 3 months after the 19 hours of induced labor, 2 hours of pushing, ending with a difficult C-section and my son’s head being stuck in my pelvis after waiting an extra 10 days beyond my due date to deliver.  Then coming to find out that our son was still biologically born at 39 weeks—no wonder he wasn’t ready to come out and meet the world!  In any case, here I sit, up at night pumping in hopes that my son will stay asleep just a bit longer tonight as we work on “crying it out” this week so that when I go back to work on Monday, he just might sleep a bit longer at night—he’s has always gained weight well and been healthy, so we knew that this would be an ok option for us to try.  It occurred to me today that much like my husband and me, our little guy has extreme willpower and determination and crying it out doesn’t necessarily seem to wear him down and put him to sleep.  I don’t know why I would have thought he would be any different J.  Our little man has been anything but an “easy” baby, so fussiness and soothing pretty much became our norm early on in his life; however, we have always been able to soothe him and get him pacified.

 

Right around 9 weeks his crying started getting worse and after a week and a half or so, I called the doctor who said it sounded like a classic case of colic.  Well, I’m not sure I was satisfied with that answer, so continued reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, which in my opinion is the most disorganized book to read, but it did have some good points about sleeping so I started to pay more attention to my son’s sleep habits and realized that he must not be getting enough sleep.  So crying it out this past week has been rough, but about mid-week there was a peak where it started to get better.  And just when I thought I had it figured out, we come across a day like today:  not much sleep last night means a cranky baby and mommy today.  It’s these days, where as a mama and wife I begin to feel like a failure—inadequate because I can’t even seem to get my own baby to go to sleep when letting him cry and guilty because of how I react to my husband’s efforts to contribute…or not contribute because he thinks I have it under control.  I know that I’m too hard on myself, but just can’t seem to understand why so many other new moms I know don’t seem to have these struggles, or at least don’t talk about them.  Have I been too inconsistent with my responses to my baby?  It has made me question whether or not I’m cut out for this parenthood thing.  All I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember is to be a mom.  My husband and I struggled to get pregnant for about a year and a half so throughout the past 12 weeks, I’ve told myself I cannot complain because this is what I wanted, what I had prayed so often for, what I had spent so much time wanting; and now, I have it, and am faced with the struggles of a fussy baby.  But I feel bad crying to close friends and family members because I “should” be able to handle this; after-all, this is what I had asked God to bring us—a baby.  I’m sure many of my thoughts and feelings are stemming from the fact that I’m returning to a job I don’t exactly like/love and the pursuit of my real dream job has been put on hold.

 

Foolishly in my mind prior to having my son, I planned to work on those goals of beginning my own business while I was on maternity leave—nothing too complex, just easy, simple things that I could do on the computer or at home while the baby was sleeping, between feedings when my husband was available to watch the baby and between the endless loads of anticipated laundry.  HA!  Was I in for a wake-up call!  I never dreamed what it would actually be like, especially with that fussy baby who wanted to be held all the time, who needed almost constant soothing at some points, and who would want to nurse every 2-3 hours.  I never imagined how much energy would be sucked from your life by caring for this little creature.  Well, I’m here to say that I’ve spent the past 12 weeks learning about my son, trying to figure him out and getting to know his every need.  I’ve struggled with breastfeeding, first worried he wasn’t getting enough to eat and then worrying my milk was coming out too fast and was in  I had an oversupply so he wasn’t getting the right balance of foremilk and hind milk, stewing about why he spits up so much.  I’ve sat up in the middle of the night nursing and questioning if I made the right choice in having a child, feeling alone, and wondering if I’ll ever be able to get 4 consecutive hours of sleep again.  I’ve cried for hours on end because I can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong with my precious little baby and wanting to make his hurt go away or fulfill his need but not knowing what that need is.  I’ve worried about holding him too much and creating bad habits for him.  I’ve been challenged with a period of weeks that my husband was away for work during the week so the care of our son was all on me…24 hours a day with no other relief help figure out how to get him to sleep or stop crying.  I’ve felt bad for and wondered how single moms can do all this, and thought if they can, then I surely should be able to.  I’ve wondered why someone hasn’t been able to figure out how to make the first 4-6 weeks of a baby’s life easier on the parents and how other people survive this period.  We were displaced from our home for about a week around week 5 because of a plumbing problem and had to stay at a friend’s home because we didn’t know when we would be able to get back into our house; adding the stress of being away from home with a newborn and putting stress on another family.  I’ve watched the clock turn 2 hours in the middle of the night while nursing, pumping or soothing my baby and felt as though it had only been 20 minutes while my husband slept peacefully or was away on work.  And I’ve also watched the clock turn 2 hours while waiting for him to stop crying and find sleep and sweet dreams and felt as though it had been an eternity.  I’ve prayed abundantly for sleep for my son and patience for his parents when trying to help him.  I’ve cried many tears worrying that I’m not doing what’s best for my baby and for me; worrying that if he cries a second longer, I might hurt him.  I’ve even gone through a time of resentment and anger towards him…for making me lose so much sleep and making me set my dreams aside.  I’m not happy about these dark thoughts, but I have to face that fact that they have been present and in my mind during this joyous time of my life.  It’s not been easy. 

I have to constantly remind myself to be present in this moment and enjoy this time that I have been given.  My daily yoga practice has helped me cope, but I have to admit that there are days that I am so tired and frustrated, and probably need my practice the most, that I set it aside.  That the nourishment and fulfillment I receive from doing something for my spirit, mind and body is just too much to conquer on that day.  My husband doesn’t always know what to say or do to help me feel better, but then again, he didn’t always know before we had the baby either, so I need to remember that we are two separate people and to be more patient with him.  We are in this together and learning as we go.  I need to communicate my feelings better with him to help him understand where this over-tired mama is coming from.  And somehow when I’ve reached the peak of frustration and tiredness, God seems to put someone or something in place to renew my faith and help me feel refreshed and able to conquer mommy-hood once again.

When you start out in your pregnancy, the first 12 weeks are an eternity, waiting for the excitement to share your joy with others, to enter that “safe zone”; then after you’ve met your creation for the first time, the first 12 weeks of life go by faster than you could ever believe.  And as I prepare to return to work on Monday, I’m torn between wanting to work just so I can have a break from my little man when he’s fussy, but not wanting to return to a job that doesn’t fill my bucket and end my time caring for him full time.  Knowing this, I must trust that plan that is out there for me and that everything is just as it should be.  Beginning my yoga and fitness business will still be a reality; it just may not come as soon as I had hoped.  The difficult times do and shall pass and there will always be a new challenge to face.  And in the end, it’s your perspective on life that brings you through each one of these LITTLE blessings.