Thanksgiving Blessings - 11 Months

Well, I haven’t written in quite a while and a lot has evolved since my last post, so I’ll try to fill in the blanks as I reflect on the past year this Thanksgiving weekend.  My sweet baby Huck is 11 months old today and life has certainly changed.  He has grown into a charming, active and vocal little person.  There is no such thing as quick trips to the grocery store anymore or easily stopping into a business, a friend’s house, or even our own house for a quick change of clothes to prepare for the next event on the calendar.  And this can be attributed to the transition to the convertible car seat from the easy-to-use infant carrier…ahhh, use this as LONG as you possibly can!  We still use it for the truck and if he needs to ride in someone else’s car, but in my car, his main vehicle for transportation, we are into the rear-facing convertible seat.  For those of you who are not aware, this means that he can no longer be contained when we go into places, and that it requires much more effort to lift his 21lb little squirmy body up into the car seat and get him buckled.  Add to that the element of winter and a polar vortex and you get a mama that really doesn’t want to leave the house with Huck in tow unless she absolutely has to.  But life is so great and we are exploring everything!  The little man has mastered crawling, pulling up onto things and learning to walk assisted, has successfully grown his first 3 teeth, eats table food,  and has even packed on some pounds—he’s got rolls on his legs finally!  And one of the biggest changes that we have been blessed with since June is that I get to stay home with the little guy.

The last day at my full time professional job was at the end of August so that I could start a yoga & personal training business and be a full time mommy.  This was a tough and scary decision for me to make, but I felt that it was an opportunity for me to do what I had dreamed of doing for a very long time.  I simply was not happy in the position I was in, and with the promise of continued multiple evening meetings away from home and my husband’s work schedule that keeps him away from home during the week, I made the decision that would be best for our family and took the plunge.  It was a leap of faith…and continues to be, but I haven’t regretted my decision to make this life change one bit.  Change isn’t easy for anyone, and this transition certainly is no different.  It has compelled me to continue to work on improving communication in my marriage and more recently has made me realize that I need to be more introspective once again in my life and discover how I can be a better wife to my husband.  How the qualities I learn on my yoga mat—integrity, nonviolence, surrender and gratitude—and try to apply to myself and others I see on the street, need also to be directly reflected towards my husband.  The one relationship that needs the most nourishing, yet often gets treated the most disrespectfully, because it is in this sacred and intimate relationship that many of us, myself included, let our guard down and show our true colors.  I know this isn’t right, but it is so much easier to be kind to someone we barely know for the sake of their perception of us, than the person who is going to be there for us in any situation, through thick or thin.  The person whom we feel the most comfortable around, and therefore; sees us at our best…and worst.  And because they are our spouses and committed to believing in us as people, through success or failure, joy or challenge, and good ideas or bad, we give ourselves permission to relax the personality that others see in us.

The past 11 months have been trying on my relationship with my husband.  I am grateful that he has continued to support me through my new adventure in pursuing my dreams and, hopefully believes that I can be a success with my – our—new business.  I say “hopefully” because this is one area in which we struggle, and one area that I know causes much tension in relationships:  communication.  Lately this is not something that we have been very victorious at.  I don’t always know how he feels and he doesn’t always know how I feel.  We have never been great at it because we are 2 independent people with our own interests and hobbies that were well developed before we met each other.  We had even more time to develop those interests and get a little more set in our ways even after we got married because we had no children to make us think any differently, and we could get away with it.  We were focused on our careers, spending time with each other doing the things we enjoy doing together AND spending time on our own with our own personal hobbies.  But now that our lives have changed forever with the introduction of another life to be responsible for, and both of our careers changing, our own personal ventures have taken a back burner…except that I turned my favorite hobby into my career.  And now feel that I have to work more diligently at it to hopefully close the gap that I have now created in our income by quitting my other professional job.  All the while, my husband continues to have a demanding career with his time being taken up staying days and nights during the week out of town instructing new recruits on how to serve our state and protect the lives of so many.  Something so honorable and far greater than many of us can even imagine that I often forget how much stress he must carry with him subconsciously and how grateful I am for his quiet humility.  So although we are still pursuing what we love to do, we are also seeking the balance that comes with the joy of guiding a new spirit in this world.  I have discovered that communication becomes even more critical.

As my yoga practice has evolved since Huck was born and has actually developed into a deeper practice than I had prior to his birth, it continues to teach me to explore my personality and spirit.  It also teaches me about my relationships and interactions with others.  So as I “count my LITTLE blessings” this Thanksgiving weekend, I’ll learn from the mistakes I have made and continue to try to fail forward so that I can teach my child how to be mindful of how he communicates with the ones he loves the most.

Nature Indoors: Birds

With my husband's first full week back as a drill instructor at the law enforcement academy, Huck and I were left to fend for ourselves against the forces of nature. This experience with him at the academy is so far much different than when he was there right after Huck was born--we have a much happier and more active baby and it's not the dead of winter!  Huck is changing daily and loving life's experiences, especially being outside. This week outside came to us...literally. 

Monday started off like a normal day, but I was in for some excitement.  As I was walking out the door, hands full with a baby carrier, diaper bag and things for work, I saw a bird swoop down in front of me and thought "whoa that was really close."  And at the same time remembered I had forgotten Huck's milk in the fridge. So I turned around and as I walked into the front entry, I realized why I thought the bird seemed so close...it had flown into the house and was now fluttering around our living room!  This freaked me out quite a bit, and I hesitated to even go across the kitchen to get the milk, but knew it had to be done.  So I ran across the kitchen, grabbed what I needed, ran back, got everything in the car and headed to our landlord's house.  Matt was out of town for the week and I had a bird in the house.  You would think this is maybe the first time this has happened to me, but alas, it is not...oh no, a couple years ago, relatively same scenario, but without the baby.  Yes, I do think it is weird that we've had 2 birds fly into our house and both times my husband has been out of town for work when he typically works a job that doesn't have much overnight travel.  Back to my story...

My landlord just chuckled at me and told me to open both doors, get my broom and put some glasses on to cover my eyes. He told me to go on and take Huck to daycare, then he'd come down when I got home for moral support. Did I tell you that a bird in my house terrifies me and that the last time this happened, my landlord offered the same support, chuckling the entire time? So, when I got home, I opened the doors, but couldn't get to my broom because that would require walking through the house to the laundry room, which is at the back of the house and through the path of the bird, which at this time was in the kitchen.  I did, however, have access to a whiffle ball bat, so I grabbed that, thinking at least it would be something to swing at the bird.  My landlord thought this was the funniest thing he had ever seen and continued to tell me how I needed a broom.  By this time, the bird had flown into my office and was perched on a picture frame.  Side note:  When the bird came into our house a couple years ago I was just convinced that it was because we have so much nature inside our house and that it just felt at home in there.  Well, when I saw the bird in the office I thought the same thing because this room also happens to be where the deer heads are hanging on the wall and a stuffed duck is "in flight" hanging from the ceiling.  Since the bird was in this room, I could close the doors to some other rooms to guarantee it wouldn't be able to get into those rooms.  And luckily by this time my landlord's son, who knows just how to get birds out of the house, arrived and saved the day. Within a few minutes he had gotten the bird to fly through the house and out the back door.

Here's the history behind the birds:  We've had these barn swallows swooping around the house for a few weeks now and I've been telling my husband how we need to get rid of them somehow because they are such pests and I'm so scared of them always dive-bombing around the front door and garage. Now we definitely had a reason to get rid of them.

So with the bird situation taken care of, I was greeted the next day by a big old groundhog walking across the yard, right up to the house.  Again, not the first time we've had a groundhog problem--same year as the bird in the bird in the house, actually.  I haven't seen this groundhog digging anywhere yet and I don't want to.  My husband's weekend "to-do list" now included knocking down a barn swallow nest and setting a live trap for Mr. Groundhog. The results? No barn swallow nest to be found, so the next best thing I guess, is eliminating the birds.  You know how boys are...  And he just set the live traps today and has charged me with the task of getting rid of the rodent if we get one...I'm guessing I'll be calling on someone to help with that if it happens.

As much as both Huck and I love being outside, we/(I) don't necessarily like it when the outside comes in. I know my husband enjoys his leadership role at the academy, but is also sad that he is going to be missing so much of our son's new discoveries and experiences this first year.  Huck didn't get to be in on all of the excitement of the bird in the house and neither did my husband, but it is still an experience we aren't soon going to forget. I'm not sure my husband is too disappointed he missed this adventure. Thanks for being a great husband and daddy and taking care of things this past weekend!

The only nature we need indoors right now.

Working Mom

I have so far survived the past 3 weeks of a very intense workload.  I knew I would; I just knew it was going to be very difficult and stressful.  I didn't realize how difficult though until 2 Tuesdays ago when I chose to skip a personal meeting in the evening because I knew I had work commitments the next 4 nights, and 2 of the days were going to be definite 14-18-hour days of work at community events.  That meant that I was only going to be able to feed my baby 1 time/day for the next 4 days, and would only see him for a brief time in the morning before taking him to daycare.  This absolutely broke my heart and brought me to tears.  My husband didn't quite understand where I was coming from, but any mom, especially a mom who is breastfeeding, I'm sure can relate.  He did his best, though, to make me feel better.  I know that my job isn't supposed to necessarily require these kind of hours from me year-round, but when supporting 11 counties and each of their community fundraising events, the past year has certainly become more demanding on a professional level. I am fortunate enough to have a flexible work schedule though, so that, ideally, when I have these night meetings I should be able to adjust and go to work later since I will be working later.  That hasn't really been the case since coming back from maternity leave, unfortunately.  I still begin working first thing in the morning and often don't return home until 9 PM or after, thus making for many 10-12 hour days, which is hard with an infant and now, a husband who is away for work during the week, and only home on the weekends.  I used to do a good job at setting a work schedule for myself so that I wouldn't work all the time when I am home, but with my current workload, that hasn't really be possible, since the hours I have been putting in have been out of necessity to ensure event success.

We've always struggled to get our son to nap well at daycare, but it was getting particularly bad right about this same time that I was realizing how little I was going to be seeing him over the next 4 days.  At home he can sleep for 1-2 hours in the morning, but at daycare, his naps are close to nonexistent, which makes for one very sleepy boy by the time one of us picks him up, usually between 4 and 4:30 PM.  We already have an early bedtime for him since we use his biological sleep cues to know when to put him to bed, which is usually around 6/6:30, so when he doesn't get a nap and is ready for bed even earlier than that, we are limited even more on the time we get to see him.

When thinking about both of these problems that had been escalating up to this point, I had an epiphany.  I decided that I would try keeping my son home in the morning for his first nap of the day then just bringing him to daycare when he woke up from that.  He is usually only awake for an hour or hour and a half anyway before he is ready for this nap, and getting him fed, clothed, to daycare and soothed for sleep again in that short time can be tricky.  So, he usually ends up overtired, making it harder for him to fall asleep at daycare.  When keeping him home in the morning, I would use his napping time to work since I am a remote worker for the company I work for.  Now I know I wouldn't really be spending time with him during this time, but I would be able to feed him more times during the day, and I would ensure he would be able to get at least 1 good nap, hopefully.  So, I gave it a shot and it seemed to work wonderfully.  The girls at daycare said he had his best week yet, and was full of smiles and giggles those few days that I first tried this.  Last week produced similar results!

I don't know if my little monkey's personality improvement is related to his morning nap and getting to nurse more in the morning rather than having a bottle; or if it is related to my body starting to normalize from taking thyroid medication, thus his body starting to normalize; or to the fact that he is getting a little older now and just growing out of his cranky stage, but whatever it is, I am thankful for that flexibility in my job.  This solution may not have taken care of the fact that I am still working an insane number of hours each week and spending a lot of time traveling in the evenings and on weekends, and not being fully present with my family when I am home, but it at least is helping me cope with often missing my evening snuggles and time with my baby.  I'll give it a little longer, then try again to have him at day care in the morning for that first nap.  And hopefully I'll start to see a slow down at work for a  few weeks after my next event on Saturday wraps up.

 

An update from my last blog post.  Huck's upper GI showed that he definitely does reflux very easily, which we had already gathered our own experience and from visits with the docs, but that there are no structural abnormalities.  We also had a very good chat with his gastro doctor and are encouraged that he is making progress little by little with weight gain; again, perhaps partially due to my thyroid levels changing.  We also introduced rice cereal a couple weeks ago to hopefully help with getting him more calories.  We will celebrate 6 months on Saturday and will see how his routine check-up goes the following week, but things are looking up already!  We haven't quite made it to 15lbs yet.  And sitting on his own is becoming easier and easier each day!  We experienced camping for the first time last night too...life is good.

 

 

Health

Well life has certainly been a whirlwind lately.  As this is the busiest time of year for me at my full time job finalizing preparations for my upcoming fundraising events—4 in the next 3 weeks—I haven’t taken the opportunity to write.  We’ve also had a lot of things going on with both my health and Huck’s that have kept us busy running to various appointments; nothing serious, but cause for a lot of Dr. appointments and weight checks, nonetheless.

We found out about 2 months ago that my thyroid levels were way out of whack because I had been watching my thyroid get bigger and more visible in my neck for a few weeks and finally asked my mom if she thought I should call my doctor.  Her immediate response as she looked at me from across the room and could see it move when I swallowed was a resounding “YES!”  For those of you who don’t know, you shouldn’t be able to see your thyroid at all.  Now, my Doc is not the easiest person to get in to see, but I made the call first thing the following morning, which happened to be a Friday and was lucky enough to be able to get an appointment for the upcoming Tuesday.  After seeing the Dr. and being assured that I did the right thing in calling, my labs were scheduled for later that week and an ultrasound for the following week.  Based on all of these test results, my Dr. concluded that it was most likely Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis which will eventually lead to Hypothyroidism and referred me on to an Endocrinologist for a second opinion.  Two weeks later I was able to see the specialist and was put on medication to hopefully regulate my hormones.  Over the course of this process I was a rollercoaster of emotions—fear and worry initially that it could be something really bad like cancer; sadness that I was most likely going to have to be on medication for the rest of my life when I had worked so hard over the past year and a half to get off and stay off of any regular medications through my regular yoga practice; relief that it was an easily treatable disease and actually very common, especially after pregnancy. 

Now you may be asking the same thing all of the doctors asked me numerous times—didn’t I have any symptoms??  Well, folks, the symptoms of hypothyroidism and thyroiditis are very similar to what your body naturally goes through after pregnancy, extreme tiredness, dry skin, feeling chilled and hair loss, so naturally, not having gone through postpartum changes before, I thought these things were normal.  Especially since I had a newborn at home who had not been the greatest sleeper, and I had sort of adapted to feeling tired all of the time.  Had I known or had one of the doctors asked me about my milk supply, perhaps I might have had a different response to their questions about what symptoms I had been having.  It wasn’t until the day after my endocrinologist appointment that I discovered/realized that my milk supply was probably being affected by my crazy thyroid levels.

All while this had been going on with my health, we also found out that Huck had not really been gaining much weight from his 2 month to his 4 month check-up.  This fact combined with his chronic spitting up that we had been trying to get to the bottom of with the doctor, prompted our physician to call for an Upper GI and refer him on to a pediatric gastroenterologist.  I think it also maybe helped that when we were at his 4 month appointment and the nurse was taking his measurements and vitals he spit up on me and she was able to see the consistency of it and the fact that it was projectile, causing her to say “Is that what it always looks like?  That’s not normal”.  This is exactly what I had been trying to tell them for the past 4 months!  It felt good to finally have someone validate what we had been going through for such a long time.  The Upper GI at the local hospital concluded that he did not have pyloric stenosis or reflux.  I found it hard to believe that they thought he didn’t have reflux though based on his history.

It was at the gastroenterologist appointment the day after my endocrinologist appointment that the doctor, after many probing questions about both Huck’s and my health, and me mentioning that I had just started taking a thyroid medication the day before, that a light bulb went off in the Dr.’s head.  He immediately asked about my milk supply, and I let him know that I did feel like maybe I wasn’t making enough because I would pump every 2 hours and still barely have enough milk to send with Huck to daycare the following day, let alone have enough to build much of a supply in my freezer.  I guess I just thought this was normal…after all, it was normal for me; or at least it had been for a few months, I realize in hindsight.  The Dr. was ecstatic that he found this information out from me and was eager to see how the next few weeks would go for us, certain that we would start to see some changes in Huck because of this change in not only my milk supply hopefully, but also perhaps the consistency and nutrients in my milk.  He did not seem to think much else was going on with Huck’s health, but still wanted to do another Upper GI at the children’s hospital because there were some things he couldn’t quite tell from the one done at our local hospital.  He did think that he probably had some reflux based on my explanation of Huck’s behavior and how often he spit up and the definition of reflux, but didn’t think that the medication Huck had been taking for it would do much to help with it.  So in 3 weeks we would go through the UGI process again and have a follow-up appointment with the specialist.  I should also say that, as many of you know, our little munchkin has been a very fussy/colic baby, and by this point he was finally starting to grow out of that, so the Dr. also thought that maybe in 3 weeks we would see even more of a personality change in him because he would be that much older.

So now a 5 ½ months, we have definitely seen a personality change in our little man, and I’m pleased to say that the consistency of his spit up has changed which also makes me a bit more encouraged.  It makes me believe that much of the problems we may have been having with our precious baby were due to the hormones in my body trying to regulate themselves, yet being unsuccessful.  After the first week of thyroid medication, I felt as though my milk supply had greatly improved, but by the 2^nd week and continuing to now, I am questioning it a bit, even after adding Fenugreek to my diet.  So although it is a little better, I’m not convinced my hormones are where they should be yet, and I don’t go back for another month to have them checked again.  We also started rice cereal this past week; I wanted to wait until closer to 6 months to do this, but am hoping that the extra calories at night will help him gain a little since from 4 to 5 months he still struggled a bit to gain weight.  We go tomorrow for the 2^nd UGI and follow-up with gastroenterologist.  So as the past 2 months have been quite interesting for us, we are grateful each day for the health we do have and that even with little weight gain for our baby, he is still thriving, alert and growing developmentally.  I’ll keep you posted on how things go.  Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

Dear Huck...

 

Dear Sweet Baby Huck,

I hold you in my arms

thinking of all the things

that make you my beautiful son.

Your tiny fingers reach for me,

grasp my hand,

and this physical touch

goes deeper.

An invisible cord connecting us.

A force far greater

than you or I will ever comprehend.

You know my presence at all times

sensing our bond

even when we are apart

 

You drift off to sleep,

a watchful eye always on me,

then flash a smile.

I wonder what you dream of,

who you’ll be someday.

Your precious breath reminds me

I gave you life.

Four months have passed

without ease,

but frustrations with challenges,

raising such a spirited baby.

Your gift of life,

of energy,

of infinite love

is the best gift

ever received

this first Mother’s Day

of mine.

You are my baby.

I love you,

always and forever.

First Cold

Well, it happened the week before Easter—Huck took his first cold home from day care.  And it only took 1 week at school to get this!  So, all the progress that we had made with sleep at night basically went down the drain and right before we were to go out of town for the upcoming holiday.  This particular week had also been a crazy busy one for me at work, which made it even more difficult when the lack of sleep at night returned.  I knew it was inevitable—I would blog about getting sleep and into a regular sleep pattern, then sure enough within that same week, we lost it again.  Oh well; Murphy’s Law I guess!  Needless to say, Easter weekend at my parent’s was quite rough because on top of little Huck not feeling the greatest because of his cold, I got the cold too; so no one was sleepingJ.  I’m not sure why I thought I was immune to whatever he had, but I definitely was not.  It was a nasty cold, and I am still trying to get rid of the congestion.  Huck also still has a stuffy nose, but seems to be on the mend. 

Now when I get a cold or have any sort of sinus congestion, I have found it is best to set my yoga practice aside until I am well; otherwise, it simply escalates all of the symptoms I am facing and seems to make the cold 10 times worse.  Setting my practice aside is not an easy thing for me to do both physically and mentally.  I find that at times when I have to do this, my life feels as though it is turned upside down.  I find it hard to focus, hard to relax, and MUCH harder to stay calm when trying to calm a fussy baby.  I used this past week to try to recover from feeling so rundown and listen to my body telling me that I needed rest.  This is a very difficult thing to do when I know how much my body and mind thrive on being physically active.  I have always been drawn toward movement to be my natural stress-relief, so not being able to practice magnified the tensions I was facing in my life this week.  Since I have limited time to workout these days, I generally prefer to just be able to practice at home or leave from our house to walk or run outside during the day or drive to the campground by our house to take Huck for a walk.  Although I did try to get out and do some physical activity when I could this week, the weather also caused havoc with this.  Which causes me to reflect on how all of this is tied together and realize that perhaps there was some greater force telling me to take it easy last week and cherish the sleep time that I was getting and the time for other things more pertinent in my life at that moment.  I did not hesitate to go to bed earlier when I could in hopes of trying to catch back up on some lost sleep, but even being well-rested does not compensate for the feeling I get from being physically active and the calmness it brings into my life.  

I do feel as though it was easier for me to accept that I needed to take time to rest and recover before rushing back into my practice or pushing hard through a workout and listen more carefully to my body than I would have in the past.  In the past I would have been more mentally violent towards myself because I was not having time or feeling up to working out, but that was not the case for some reason this past week.  I guess that could mean that I am making progress someplace within my yoga practice to be able to surrender and accept what is.  But at the same time it was equally frustrating to not be able to find the calm I often times can find when trying to soothe Huck because of my daily practice.   So, we’ll see how things go this week, and hopefully the cold my little monkey gave to me has not set me back too much.  I do, however, think the workout I did on Friday night at one of the local CrossFit gyms might give my body some resistance from the tension it pumped back into my muscles.  But, as my teacher always says “Let’s just see what happens!”

 

Rolling Over...Sleep Returns

Well, an update on what is new with our little man and how things have been going the past 2 weeks since he has been at “school” aka Day Care.  Early in the morning on April 3 (we’re talking 4:00 AM, so you could consider this middle of the night…I usually do J), Mr. Huck started rolling over in his crib with his Woombie on—for those of you who know about the Woombie (one of the greatest baby inventions ever in my opinion), you know it totally contains a baby’s arms so they can’t flail about, so this is not necessarily a good thing once they start rolling over onto their tummies.  And because Huck didn’t have use of his arms, the little guy just laid there face down in his crib crying into his mattress.  You can imagine how discouraging this must be for someone so helpless.  Well luckily, I was right in the room after it happened, so no need to worry that my child was being neglected and in danger.  I had just put him down after feeding him and was watching him to make sure he was good before I stepped out of the room when sure enough he let his binker fall out of his mouth. But instead of just crying for it, he went in search of it with his mouth—dive-bombing his mattress.  Now this is not new for us, but it is a sight to see.  Back when we were trying to let him “Cry It Out”, he discovered how he could scoot around his crib by arching his back and bending and straightening his legs.  He would get so upset while crying that he would just move in circles all around his crib.  After we gave up on the CIO, we would start him at one end of the crib at the beginning of the night, and by the morning he would be at the opposite end and horizontal in his crib.  It was at this point that I knew we would soon be saying goodbye to the WoombieL.  He was doing a similar move to try to get to his binker on this particular night.  So when he rolled all the way over on his own in the Woombie, I took it off and tried to get him to go to sleep without it; I even tried just using a Swaddle Me sleep sack from his chest down.  But our little monkey’s Moro reflex is just so great that no matter what, when he sleeps on his back, he is constantly waking himself up from startling himself.  Enter the swaddle and swing. 

I had been swaddling Huck and strapping him into his swing to take naps and it seemed to do wonders.  He was taking nice 3 – 3 ½-hour naps in the morning and was developing his afternoon nap nicely with this technique.  So by 4:30 AM on this particular day, I knew what I had to do if I wanted to go back to sleep for a couple hours:  move him to his swing.  I did and the little guy slept until about 8 AM when we had to wake him so that we could get him to day care and get on with our day. 

The following night, we decided to skip even trying the crib because we knew that when he would roll over, he would either lie facedown crying into the crib or look up like he was doing tummy time, there was no turning his head and laying it down to sleep.  Huck was showing tired signs around 5:30/6:00 after his bath, because since going to school, he doesn’t really nap near as much as he did when he was just with me.  I was still working, and he was hanging out in his bouncy seat (which also happens to be his swing seat when it’s not on the swing stand) while Daddy was getting supper ready, so I just moved his seat to his swing base, which at this point was in our living room, and tucked a blanket around him so he would have felt like he was being swaddled, thinking he would just take a little nap while we ate dinner.  That “little” nap turned into a 4 ½-hour nap!  At this point, I fed him, swaddled him, and put him back in the swing for the duration of the night.  We had set the baby monitor up on him in the living room so that we could see him just in case…granted our bedroom is on the same level and maybe 50 feet from where he was, so really we’d be able to hear if anything happened, but nonetheless, it was nice to be able to watch him from our room if we wanted to check on him.  After putting him down, this time for the night, he slept until 3 or 4 AM!  Then again until 8!  The following night was even better; Matt and I went to bed around 8:30 because we were so tired and weren’t awakened until around 4:30!  Why didn’t we do this before?!?! We were getting sleep and our little person was too! 

We have since moved the swing into Huck’s room so that we can still live normally in our living room in the evenings and have just recently started to try to acclimate him back to his crib by getting him to sleep there for a little each night if we can—he is rolling over onto his belly, but has now learned and is continuing to learn how to lay his head down on its side to fall back asleep when he does this.  Yes, I know…”back is best,” “back to sleep,” but I am not going to go in and move him if he rolls in his sleep and will stay asleep or put himself back to sleep.  Now, he hasn’t made it a whole night in his crib yet without the Woombie, and there are nights like last night, when the crib wasn’t happening at all—and believe me, we gave it a good try last night, but he was too cranky for it.  So we put him in his swing and he slept from about 7 PM – 6:50 AM…yep, you heard me right!  He slept almost 12 hours and didn’t even wake up to eat or for his binker!  I had been trying to get him to eliminate these night feedings because I knew from talking with our Doc that he didn’t really need them anymore and if he could, he would be fine to stop them. So for about 3-4 nights when he would wake in his swing, I would simply go in and put his binker back in his mouth and he would fall back asleep.  I knew he was ready for this because when I would get him out at his 3:00/4:00 AM wake to feed him, he would eat a little, then fall back asleep and wasn’t all that interested in eating. 

As I’m sitting her writing, he is asleep in his crib, and I have had to go in a couple times to put the binker back in his mouth, so we’ll see how long it lasts tonight.  I typically give myself a certain number of times to go in his room (usually around 5 depending on what time it is—if I want to go to bed, it’s probably fewerJ) before I decide to swaddle and swing.  So at least for a couple nights, sleep returned to us.  I’m sure it won’t last long, because before we know it, there’ll be another milestone that will cause a disturbance, but until then, I’ll take what we are getting.  It could also help that Mr. Huck only sleeps about 60-90 minutes at school each day…if we’re lucky.  So, unfortunately, the naps aren’t the greatest anymore, but the continuous sleep at night in the swing at least for now, is working for us!

3 Realities

This week my husband, Matt, and I will celebrate our 4 year anniversary.  The best advice I ever got before we got married actually came from my mom.  She told me that “no matter what happens in life--kids, jobs, hard times—remember that the most important thing in your marriage is your relationship with Matt.”  Pretty good advice, Mom.  And I have to admit, I too often let this slip to the back of my mind rather than keeping it at the front.  But I was reminded of it yet again this past week when planning a time this coming week that we can spend some time together to celebrate our marriage.  Time away from our infant, just the 2 of us, just like it used to be…sort ofJ.  Except that now we have this little person in our lives that I’m sure we’ll find ourselves talking about—at least that’s what everyone says will happen right?!?! 

I shared this bit of advice when visiting with my good friend the other day who has just about a month left in her pregnancy and is getting to that anxious stage of wanting to get so much done before baby arrives and continuing to worry about the birth process and being a new parent—what’s important and what’s not as important.  I told her to really pay attention to that piece of advice that my mom gave me because it is so true, yet an easy one set aside.  I have always felt a very strong connection with this friend since I met her a few years back when I started the job I am in now and she too was in the same role, also a remote worker, so we would spend hours on the phone talking not only about work but life as well, and always seemed to know when each other was thinking about the other person and needed a phone call.  I had a feeling she was pregnant before she knew she was pregnant, so was thrilled when she called and told me the news.  I have so cherished the conversations I’ve had with this friend throughout our pregnancies, especially after having my sweet little Huck, because she doesn’t hesitate to call and ask the questions that any soon-to-be mommy has.  Questions in which the answers are so fresh in my mind and life that I can easily give her my opinion and feedback.  Sure, she has sisters and other friends who’ve had kids, but I take it as a huge compliment that she calls me with these questions—and maybe it’s just because she knows I’ll be brutally honest with her and tell her how actually it is.  I guess you could say that’s always been one of my…uh, strengths?  Although, I know it has come back to bite me at times in life, in others, it can be quite helpful.  But I guess since we’ve had similar situations in life and through work, she trusts my judgment and insight.  In the past few months we’ve talked about everything from labor and delivery options to C-section recovery, nursing supplies and bras to being ok with choosing not to breastfeed, and ultimately appreciating life now, before the baby to coping with how much life changes after the baby.  In the end, she will have to figure out what works best for her and her family, but it sure helps to have someone to ask some of those uncomfortable question to in hopes that it will somewhat prepare you for what’s soon to come.  Something that you really can’t prepare for until it actually happens because you discover you indeed have no control over it.  I’m no expert by any means, especially since I am only 3 months into being a mommy, and as with any new baby, it’s a trial and error process in survival mode of new parenthood, but I have recognized 3 truths throughout the past year of pregnancy and being a new mom. 

Letting Go of Control

Early on in my pregnancy, I had an aunt who told me how she thought pregnancy was such a beautiful thing in that it completely prepares you for being a parent—you lose control of what is happening to your body and much like parenthood, you think you have control over your baby or child because you are the adult and the parent, but ultimately, they have their own minds and are going to do what they want to do.  Boy, has this been clear to me raising a fussy baby.  I am learning to accept the fact that I can do everything in my power to make Huck as comfortable as possible and meet all of his needs, but he’s the one deciding to be happy or fussy, and I can’t do much about thatJ.  It took me a very long time to have this sort of acceptance in my pregnancy because I have always worked very hard to maintain my fitness level and body, so to have to give that control up and accept the changes that were happening was difficult.  Perhaps that’s partly why I have such a spirited, strong-willed baby.  Perhaps he is a reflection of who I was mentally during much of my pregnancy.  I’ll never know for sure, but it’s certainly a connection that could be made. 

Making Time for the #1 Relationship

I already touched on this one earlier.  It is so important to keep this focus because if the relationship between you and your spouse is not strong, nothing else will be in your family. It is definitely hard to do when so many hormones are trying to find balance once again in your body leaving you an emotional mess, when you are learning how to be a mom and potentially struggling with bonding with your new baby, as well as learning to accept the changes that you now see in your body every time you look in the mirror, worrying how others, and more importantly your husband, now sees you.  Now sees that new permanent line marking your body, reminding both of you of the trauma your body went through so that you could meet your precious baby.  And perhaps for others it’s the weight gain or stretch marks that now hold true as reminder of your baby.  All things that can interfere with your relationship if you let them.

Accepting Your Beautiful Body

The last truth I have recognized is true acceptance of my body for what it now is; each physical change that I now see is a beautiful reminder of the joy of God’s true miracle—LIFE.  A new life and proof that we are living creatures capable of creating life.  Therefore, I look not at these permanent marks and changes as negative things I have to live with, rather embrace them and be happy with who I now am  because I am going to be able to share the world with a child.  I get to teach him to admire the world around him and to grow into a happy, successful, contributing member of society.  And creating this life wouldn’t be possible without gaining some beautiful “battle wounds.” So each time you look at those “wounds,” be happy for who you are and what you have done.

Each of these realities still challenges me at times, but using them to guide how I live and adapt to parenthood will hopefully allow me to teach my child about the important things in life.

 

Hope

My full time work is with a national organization that works with local communities to help them raise funds for programs and services for cancer patients, survivors and their families, for life-saving research to help these patients, as well as programs that help promote cancer prevention. Last night was one of my first fundraisers of the season, and I had the privilege of hearing a gentleman, Rich, share his inspiring story of beating cancer and the hope that he brings others in the community.  When diagnosed with cancer, not once, but twice, Rich made the conscious decision to put his troubles in God's hands and trust that everything was just as it should be. He decided there was no sense in worrying about what struggles were ahead of him, but rather accepting the present moment. This is a hard thing to do.  My husband often reminds me that "worrying is just wasted energy" or something like that; easy for someone who is not naturally a worrier to say.  But, indeed, he is correct.  It is especially hard when being faced with a potentially life-threatening disease, I'm sure.  But that was the exact perspective Rich took.  

A 30-year survivor of 2 separate kinds of cancer, he now uses the challenges he faced to help others through their cancer diagnosis.  As he hears of individuals in the community who have heard the all-too-famous (or infamous) words "you have cancer," he reaches out to them by visiting them in person and bringing them a "hope" stone, which is small stone with the word "hope" written on it.  He said that many times he comes across individuals who do not want to talk about the fact that they have cancer, perhaps who aren't ready to admit yet that this horrible disease has crept into their lives.  But he persists, and shares with them his story of triumph and shines a light on the fact that there is hope out there and many people to help them along the way.  He has been visiting homes with these stones for years, and 9 times out of 10 leaves the patient with the belief that there is HOPE and this little stone as a daily reminder.  Rich spent nearly the entire day at the 12-hour event, getting to know other survivors and community members and bringing happiness and joy into everyone's life that had the opportunity to visit with him.  He will be celebrating his 90th birthday in May, has been married to his wife for 69 years and is now her sole caretaker as she suffered a stroke this past year.  He also has some other lung problems from working with anhydrous for many years, but as you may have guessed, none of this has caused him to give up on living life to the fullest and spreading the message of love to others.

On my way home at nearly midnight, after working 13 1/2 hours, running on 5 hours of interrupted sleep from the night before and the fact that if my child was asleep when I got home, I may be up again in just a couple hours to care for him, I reflected on the day's events and Rich's speech and realized I could not feel bad for myself.  For this was my journey to share with my husband; our life as it has been given to us and carefully planned for us already.  I remembered something that I tell my yoga students often: "No matter what challenges you are facing today in your life and what outside struggles you are bringing to your mat, see if you can set them aside for now, and simply be fully present in the moment for the next hour."  I share this concept with them at the beginning class and say something to the same effect at the end of class as well in hopes that they can access it and the feeling they have at the end of practice when they are faced with stressful situations in their own lives.  So that we can move beyond the worries that invade our lives to remain present for those who are here to celebrate each new day with us.  Everyone is on a unique path in life and is given different opportunities to grow and gain strength at different times of their lives.  I was thinking about how much Rich and his wife have experienced in their 69 years of marriage and raising 5 children and wishing I had the chance to get to know him better, to learn from him and just listen to another generation; a generation that is often so mindful of the priorities in life and keeping things in perspective.  I do feel blessed in my job to be able to hear stories like this and be reminded that in every tough moment or time in life, HOPE EXISTS.

Welcome!

Welcome to my blessings blog!  I've decided to start this because I find writing to be very therapeutic to me and for the past 3 years or so I've kept a blessings journal in which I try to write daily at least 3 things that I am grateful for on that day; be they joys or challenges.  I started this journal because my one of my grandmas always used to say "Count your Blessings" before we ended a conversation.  When she passed away, I felt that this was a way that I could remember her and help myself become a more positive individual.  It has certainly allowed me to change my perspective on many things in life.  As I still keep this journal, I also wanted to share these blessings with others in hopes that some of my experiences can relate to someone and I hope that you will enjoy reading! 

Count your Blessings!

Cathy

12 Weeks

My handsome son turned 12 weeks old today and I have 1 more day with him before I return to work on Monday and end my maternity leave.  This past 12 weeks has certainly not been what I thought it would be.  When my husband and I welcomed our little monkey into this world, we never could have imagined how much life would change and how difficult things would become.  I don’t know why we didn’t anticipate a challenging first 3 months after the 19 hours of induced labor, 2 hours of pushing, ending with a difficult C-section and my son’s head being stuck in my pelvis after waiting an extra 10 days beyond my due date to deliver.  Then coming to find out that our son was still biologically born at 39 weeks—no wonder he wasn’t ready to come out and meet the world!  In any case, here I sit, up at night pumping in hopes that my son will stay asleep just a bit longer tonight as we work on “crying it out” this week so that when I go back to work on Monday, he just might sleep a bit longer at night—he’s has always gained weight well and been healthy, so we knew that this would be an ok option for us to try.  It occurred to me today that much like my husband and me, our little guy has extreme willpower and determination and crying it out doesn’t necessarily seem to wear him down and put him to sleep.  I don’t know why I would have thought he would be any different J.  Our little man has been anything but an “easy” baby, so fussiness and soothing pretty much became our norm early on in his life; however, we have always been able to soothe him and get him pacified.

 

Right around 9 weeks his crying started getting worse and after a week and a half or so, I called the doctor who said it sounded like a classic case of colic.  Well, I’m not sure I was satisfied with that answer, so continued reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, which in my opinion is the most disorganized book to read, but it did have some good points about sleeping so I started to pay more attention to my son’s sleep habits and realized that he must not be getting enough sleep.  So crying it out this past week has been rough, but about mid-week there was a peak where it started to get better.  And just when I thought I had it figured out, we come across a day like today:  not much sleep last night means a cranky baby and mommy today.  It’s these days, where as a mama and wife I begin to feel like a failure—inadequate because I can’t even seem to get my own baby to go to sleep when letting him cry and guilty because of how I react to my husband’s efforts to contribute…or not contribute because he thinks I have it under control.  I know that I’m too hard on myself, but just can’t seem to understand why so many other new moms I know don’t seem to have these struggles, or at least don’t talk about them.  Have I been too inconsistent with my responses to my baby?  It has made me question whether or not I’m cut out for this parenthood thing.  All I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember is to be a mom.  My husband and I struggled to get pregnant for about a year and a half so throughout the past 12 weeks, I’ve told myself I cannot complain because this is what I wanted, what I had prayed so often for, what I had spent so much time wanting; and now, I have it, and am faced with the struggles of a fussy baby.  But I feel bad crying to close friends and family members because I “should” be able to handle this; after-all, this is what I had asked God to bring us—a baby.  I’m sure many of my thoughts and feelings are stemming from the fact that I’m returning to a job I don’t exactly like/love and the pursuit of my real dream job has been put on hold.

 

Foolishly in my mind prior to having my son, I planned to work on those goals of beginning my own business while I was on maternity leave—nothing too complex, just easy, simple things that I could do on the computer or at home while the baby was sleeping, between feedings when my husband was available to watch the baby and between the endless loads of anticipated laundry.  HA!  Was I in for a wake-up call!  I never dreamed what it would actually be like, especially with that fussy baby who wanted to be held all the time, who needed almost constant soothing at some points, and who would want to nurse every 2-3 hours.  I never imagined how much energy would be sucked from your life by caring for this little creature.  Well, I’m here to say that I’ve spent the past 12 weeks learning about my son, trying to figure him out and getting to know his every need.  I’ve struggled with breastfeeding, first worried he wasn’t getting enough to eat and then worrying my milk was coming out too fast and was in  I had an oversupply so he wasn’t getting the right balance of foremilk and hind milk, stewing about why he spits up so much.  I’ve sat up in the middle of the night nursing and questioning if I made the right choice in having a child, feeling alone, and wondering if I’ll ever be able to get 4 consecutive hours of sleep again.  I’ve cried for hours on end because I can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong with my precious little baby and wanting to make his hurt go away or fulfill his need but not knowing what that need is.  I’ve worried about holding him too much and creating bad habits for him.  I’ve been challenged with a period of weeks that my husband was away for work during the week so the care of our son was all on me…24 hours a day with no other relief help figure out how to get him to sleep or stop crying.  I’ve felt bad for and wondered how single moms can do all this, and thought if they can, then I surely should be able to.  I’ve wondered why someone hasn’t been able to figure out how to make the first 4-6 weeks of a baby’s life easier on the parents and how other people survive this period.  We were displaced from our home for about a week around week 5 because of a plumbing problem and had to stay at a friend’s home because we didn’t know when we would be able to get back into our house; adding the stress of being away from home with a newborn and putting stress on another family.  I’ve watched the clock turn 2 hours in the middle of the night while nursing, pumping or soothing my baby and felt as though it had only been 20 minutes while my husband slept peacefully or was away on work.  And I’ve also watched the clock turn 2 hours while waiting for him to stop crying and find sleep and sweet dreams and felt as though it had been an eternity.  I’ve prayed abundantly for sleep for my son and patience for his parents when trying to help him.  I’ve cried many tears worrying that I’m not doing what’s best for my baby and for me; worrying that if he cries a second longer, I might hurt him.  I’ve even gone through a time of resentment and anger towards him…for making me lose so much sleep and making me set my dreams aside.  I’m not happy about these dark thoughts, but I have to face that fact that they have been present and in my mind during this joyous time of my life.  It’s not been easy. 

I have to constantly remind myself to be present in this moment and enjoy this time that I have been given.  My daily yoga practice has helped me cope, but I have to admit that there are days that I am so tired and frustrated, and probably need my practice the most, that I set it aside.  That the nourishment and fulfillment I receive from doing something for my spirit, mind and body is just too much to conquer on that day.  My husband doesn’t always know what to say or do to help me feel better, but then again, he didn’t always know before we had the baby either, so I need to remember that we are two separate people and to be more patient with him.  We are in this together and learning as we go.  I need to communicate my feelings better with him to help him understand where this over-tired mama is coming from.  And somehow when I’ve reached the peak of frustration and tiredness, God seems to put someone or something in place to renew my faith and help me feel refreshed and able to conquer mommy-hood once again.

When you start out in your pregnancy, the first 12 weeks are an eternity, waiting for the excitement to share your joy with others, to enter that “safe zone”; then after you’ve met your creation for the first time, the first 12 weeks of life go by faster than you could ever believe.  And as I prepare to return to work on Monday, I’m torn between wanting to work just so I can have a break from my little man when he’s fussy, but not wanting to return to a job that doesn’t fill my bucket and end my time caring for him full time.  Knowing this, I must trust that plan that is out there for me and that everything is just as it should be.  Beginning my yoga and fitness business will still be a reality; it just may not come as soon as I had hoped.  The difficult times do and shall pass and there will always be a new challenge to face.  And in the end, it’s your perspective on life that brings you through each one of these LITTLE blessings.